


The Many Dead End Jobs of Bi-Han

by EvenSpeedWeedisAfraid



Series: Hell's Yarns [17]
Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series), Mortal Kombat (Video Games)
Genre: Canon-Typical Behavior, Comedy, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Heavily inspired by the Baku Series, Non-Graphic Violence, Noob is completely done with everyone's shit, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Other Fandoms Not Mentioned in Tags, Recreational Drug Use, Valentino has chronic dumb bitch disease, like for about one chapter, surprising I know, swearing as usual, well semi seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-18 22:40:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29616519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EvenSpeedWeedisAfraid/pseuds/EvenSpeedWeedisAfraid
Summary: Valentino's ego has sufficiently recovered from the attack on his Studios, so it's time to head on out again!Unfortunately for him, everywhere he goes, he comes across the same snarky fucker.Noob Saibot really doesn't care for this very different afterlife he's been flung into recently.Doesn't help that he has to deal with a stubborn Overlord at every turn.
Relationships: Valentino & Velvet & Vox (Hazbin Hotel), Valentino & Velvet (Hazbin Hotel), Valentino/Vox (Hazbin Hotel)
Series: Hell's Yarns [17]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2058714
Comments: 12
Kudos: 5





	1. Broke Bitches

**Author's Note:**

> I've been given far too much power, honestly.

It had taken a few months for Valentino to recover from the attack on the Studios - not so much physically, mostly ego-wise. Somebody so full of himself, getting more or less caught with his pants down and almost dying _again_ for it? Nah, that isn't gonna be something a Band-Aid can fix.  
Point is, his ego's back in full swing and he's ready to roll out on his own again. First order of business? Go to the bank, get some cash and retrieve the loaf of bread he put in his deposit box.

As the limo pulled up to the building, Valentino smirked, dismissing the cat-like girl who was currently tending to his needs as he left the vehicle. With his lower set of arms fiddling with his cigarette case and the upper set pushing the double-doors of the bank open, the pimp carried himself with swagger befitting a demon of his status.  
But for whatever reason, the charcoal-black wraith behind the plexiglass teller window didn't seem impressed. Rolling his white eyes, the wraith spoke up in an atrociously raspy voice. "Welcome to the Hell Bank, the only place for money and safe-keeping your items where you _won't_ be robbed-"  
"Yo, shut ya ass up, will ya? I ain't here ta' be havin' no conversations, I'm just tryna get my bread an' my cash." Already, he showed a complete disregard for the employee.

"Hm. Could I have your name, sir?"  
The moth blinked twice before leaning forwards. "Quit bein' stupid, will ya? _Everybody_ knows my name, I'm fuckin' Valentino!"  
Still deeply unimpressed, the wraith punched in the name before staring at the moth. "Damn, seems you've run out of luck. Your account is locked and your bread went bad."  
"Fuck do ya _mean_ , account's locked? An' how the fuck did my bread go bad, I had them fuckers take the gluten out specifically for dat kinda shit!"  
"And you'd be correct on that front, because your bread has not gone bad. I was messing with you, as they say." Oh, so we got a sarcastic one today.

"Aight, so what do I need ta' do for ya ass ta' open my account up? Y'all take trade-ins?" As Valentino reached into his coat, the wraith was frankly in disbelief. What the hell is this guy on, thinking that the _bank_ works on a bartering system?  
"Check this..." Pulling out a plastic box with a rather colorful cover image, the moth pimp grinned. "Smash. Brothers. Melee."  
The bank's employee glared at the Overlord. "Leave and never return."  
"You got me _fucked up_ , just lemme get my fuckin' cash!"

Pressing a few buttons, the wraith shrugged. "Well, you've got... _nothing_ in your account."  
Just then, somebody else pushed the doors to the bank open - a much shorter doll demon in an eye-catching dress and with her hair done up in pigtails. Strolling up to Valentino, she grinned at him. "Nothing in your account? Damn, I can't believe you're a broke bitch, Val!"  
Growling, the moth pimp raised an eyebrow. "The fuck are you doin'?"  
"Hey, Saibot! Can you get into my account? Velvet, in case you forgot."  
Doing as he was told, the wraith looked back towards Velvet once he got in. "We've got... six million dollars."

Valentino was absolutely _floored_ by what he just heard. " _Six million?!_ "  
Velvet, for her part, just smiled. "Sweet, just wire me about six thousand, okay?"  
The moth glared at both the doll and the wraith. "So ya just gonna play me like I'm pussy?"  
"You walked in with utter disrespect, Valentino," Saibot said, matter-of-factly.  
"I'm gonna _end ya ass_ , aight?!" Extracting a gold-plated pistol from another part of his coat, he aimed it at the teller, who suddenly vanished in a fog of inky black smoke - only to re-appear next to Valentino with a sickle in hand and brandished at the Overlord.  
"Boy, you got no idea who ya fuckin' wit', don't ya?"

\---

"Man, I can't believe you got permanently barred from the bank!"  
"Babydoll, I ain't in the mood ta' hear it," Valentino grumbled, riding away in his limo with the added 'bonus' of Velvet riding along. "At least the fucker got fired."


	2. Nuclear Heat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A sudden heatwave causes discomfort for Valentino when his A/C breaks.  
> Noob Saibot does not give a shit, and just wants to chill at the beach. Shame that he's supposed to be repairing A/Cs, huh?

As if his week wasn't shitty enough already with getting barred from the bank yesterday, there just _had_ to be a heatwave _now_.  
Normally, this wouldn't be a problem - after all, Valentino has air conditioning in his penthouse, so by all logical reasoning, there isn't a problem! He can spend some well-deserved alone time with Vox all he wants, right?  
_Wrong._

The two Overlords were sweating buckets, the moth pimp pacing back and forth while the television demon stared at the ceiling - both men were in their underwear by this point, but neither were in any mood to get frisky.  
"It's so fuckin' _hot_ in here! Did the thermostat break or somethin'?!" Valentino walked towards the A/C built into the wall, and found out that yes, it was indeed broken. "Can't _you_ do something about this, Voxxy?"  
"In case you didn't fucking _realise_ it, the heat's messing with me too! My internal systems are all out of wack, you need to call on somebody else," Vox groaned out.  
Sighing, Val took out his Hellphone. "Mothafuckin' repairman _gotta_ come fix this," he mumbled as the number was dialled in.

\---

The beach isn't usually the place people go to if they want to watch something on a television, but Noob Saibot had found out that if he wanted to get the best possible reception for his New Japan Pro Wrestling event streams, the shores of Hell were the best bet.  
"A little to the side, aaand..." He thought out loud, directing his shadow clone's movements so that the TV was placed just right. "... There we go."  
As the clone evaporated into inky smoke, the wraith sat back in his reclining chair, sipping a nice can of Sprite as he watched the men go at it on the screen. It had been a while since he last watched a New Japan event, so he had some catching up to do - he really hopes that those whispers of EVIL becoming the IWGP Heavyweight _and_ Intercontinental champion simultaneously were true. That's his guy right there!

Then suddenly, his phone rang. His new job as an A/C repairman was actually pretty lax - much more so than the bank. But he still had to be ready to pick up at any time. So he did!  
"Yes, you've reached the 'Chill Out' A/C repair company. How may I help?"  
"Yo, my thermostat fuckin' broke, y'all need ta' come out here," demanded the familiar voice on the other side of the line.  
"Unfortunate. Did you, say, try to turn it on?" Of course, Noob simply can't resist being a sarcastic dickhead.  
"... What?" The disbelief was palpable.  
"Simply turn it off, and then on again," Noob explained as if he wasn't bullshitting profusely.

Valentino grumbled. "Off an' then on, are you _fuckin' me?_ "  
"Not even remotely," the wraith lied.  
"Ya _gotta_ be."  
"I'm at the beach, how could I be doing that?" Saibot said, honestly wanting to move the conversation _far away_ from the idea of fucking Valentino.  
On his end of the call, Valentino's eyes narrowed as he finally recognised the other's voice. "Hold up, ain't you the bitch from yesterday at the bank? How the fuck did ya get another fuckin' job already?"  
"I have ways," Noob answered quickly.

Shaking his head, Valentino got back to the topic at hand. "Aight, look. My penthouse? It's fuckin' _crispy_ right now."  
"And? It's Hell, and furthermore, it's around 80 or so degrees where I am. Which, again, is the beach," Noob said, getting rapidly impatient with this fool on the phone. He _could_ be watching the New Japan Cup finals right now! Instead, he's got to deal with a moron.  
"Okay, you want a fuckin' idea of the kind of heat I'm dealin' wit' right now?" Not waiting on a reply, Valentino walked towards the penthouse's windows and looked down towards the streets below. "I'm lookin' outside, ya know what I'm seein'? C'mon, guess!"  
A drawn-out sigh left the wraith before he answered the Overlord. "I don't know. What _do_ you see?"  
"It's hot on the block, is what it is. I'm seein' a mothafucka' cookin' chicken outside, naked, _on the sidewalk_."

Rolling his eyes, Noob acted as if he were impressed. "Well gee, you've got Heat _2_ out there, huh?"  
"Yea' we do, so come an' fix my goddamn A/C!"  
"Mmm... no, I don't think I will," Noob responded, making Valentino's eyes go wide.  
"Fuck do ya _mean_ , no?! This is ya _job!_ "  
"A job implies that it'll be met with payment, which I _know_ you don't have," the wraith spat out, his free hand hovering over his TV's remote as he hoped and _begged_ that the Overlord would leave him the fuck alone.  
"Ya _useless ass buffoon!_ What, do ya want me ta' cook?!"

"If you want charity work done, you can give Kuai Liang a call," Noob said with a grin. Even if his brother isn't down here yet, it's fun to throw him under the bus.  
"Who the _hell_ do ya take me for? Ya think I got whoever that bitch is on speed dial or somethin'?"  
"Of course I don't. But I do know _one_ thing about you, and that is the fact you don't have _any_ money," Saibot said, his voice starting to raise from how fucking sick of this he was.  
"I had my shit in my fuckin' mattress, dumb hoe, I _do_ have cash!"  
But by that point, Noob had already hung up.

To hell with this job, they can fire him for all he cares. He's got some _puroresu_ to watch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In my defence, Noob _does_ say EVIL's catchphrase in a pre-fight interaction with Cetrion. How could I, being the humble wrestling fan that I am, resist making him a outright fan of the guy?


	3. Special Carry Out Discount

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the midst of a ride through town with the other Vs, Valentino decides to head into a pizza place that caught Velvet's interest.  
> How could this possibly go wrong?

"So, what was it that you told him after that?"  
Cruising down the streets of Pentagram City in something that _isn't_ his limo wasn't something Valentino did often, but he felt that maybe, just maybe, hanging out with the other two Vs would be worth the trouble. So far? He was right, even though most of it was just him chatting with Velvet about this and that - Vox had to, y'know, drive the car.  
"Ah, I was like... _'I got money, on top a' skrill, an' bands. But if ya think I'm boutta finance ya fuckshit, ya better get ya stupid ass on an' leave me alone.'_ An' then I hung up on his ass," the moth pimp said with a smirk. "Seriously, does this fucka' really think that he's entitled ta' join our clique just 'cause he has a V in _his_ name? Pfft, yea' right. An' it ain't even a simple name or nothin'... like, Vukmir? Sounds like Fuckmir, if ya ask me."

"I know, right? Like, get with the program!" Velvet chuckled, before looking out of the car's window. "Ooh, what's that over there?" Getting overly excited, she pointed towards something outside, while Valentino told Vox to stop the car. Leaning over, Valentino squinted to try and see what the doll demon was so hyped about.  
"What's it say?" He asked, almost exactly in time with Vox saying the same thing.  
"Spooky Pizza! That's what the awning reads," Velvet replied, causing some confusion in the taller two Overlords.  
"'Spooky Pizza'? Fuck is that? Halloween's over, who are they tryna scare?"  
Regardless of what he said, Valentino still exited the car with Velvet by his side, leaving Vox in the ride - because he's the only one of the three who actually knows how to drive.

\---

As the bell above the door rang, Noob Saibot looked over and...  
"Oh my _god_." Running his hands down his face, the wraith just could _not_ believe that he'd have to deal with _him_ again. Groaning, he still decided to interact. "Okay. Welcome to Spooky Pizza, we've got flavor you've never tasted before, we've got-"  
"Shut the fuck up," Valentino rudely interrupted, causing Noob to be _even less_ amused.  
"What do you _want_."  
"I wanna know what kinda fuckass pizza y'all got in this bitch," the moth pimp said while Velvet wandered around the store taking selfies.  
"The kind you _won't eat_ ," Saibot growled out.

"Aight, y'all got fries?" The silence that ensued for the next few seconds was _laced_ with tension.  
"No."  
"Then what's all this spooky shit?" There was a mixture of interest and irritation in the Overlord's tone.  
"Exactly what it sounds like," Noob muttered, really wishing he was anywhere else.  
Valentino let out a 'tsk', before speaking again. "Sound like some bullshit ta' me! It's late fuckin' December, Halloween _been_ over. What it _really_ sounds like is that y'all mothafuckas smokin' on some macadamia!"  
For a moment, all Noob did was glare at him, before he decided to reply. "Did you come here just to antagonise me, or did you plan on ordering?"

"Yea', lemme get that spooky pizza then."  
"Give me six seconds," came Noob's completely noncommittal reply as he went to the kitchen.  
" _Six seconds?!_ The fuck y'all cookin' wit', _Easy Bake?!_ " It seemed like every time they interacted, Valentino hit a new tier of bafflement.  
Six seconds later, the wraith returned with a pizza box, using his shadow clone to hand it over. "Here."  
Opening the box, Val's face contorted into a visage of pure confusion. " _What?_ "  
"Spooky pizza."  
The box was completely empty. Legitimately not a trace of _anything_ within. " _What?!_ "  
Noob shrugged. "It's invisible."

"You are _definitely_ smokin' somethin' right now, _there's nothin' in this!_ " Valentino threw the empty box towards Noob, who just sidestepped it.  
"This is my... fifth job in the past two months. Do you think I sincerely care about what you want?"  
Before things escalated further, however, another individual joined the fray, coming in from the kitchen: some strange sort of man - wearing pants yet only one diagonal half of a shirt, a metal headdress which helps to highlight his ponytail, but most striking of all was how the lower half of his face's skin seemed to be ripped off, showing his jawbones and teeth in all their glory.  
Also, his head was facing the complete opposite direction to the rest of his body.  
Using his hands to physically twist his head a little, it lined up with the rest of him as he looked back and forth between Noob and Valentino.

"So, what's going on here?" The strange being asked, mostly to Noob but ambiguously enough that Valentino thought it was directed towards him.  
"Tell that dumbass ta' cook an _actually visible pizza_ , 'cause I ain't payin' for no Danny Phantom ass pie out here," the Overlord shouted.  
"The pizza's going ghost," the newcomer couldn't help but quip.  
"If y'all bitches keep bullshittin', I'm gonna get medieval on ya asses."  
The man with the exposed teeth cackled, before leaning over to Saibot and whispering. "If I knew Hell was like this, I would have vacationed here _way_ earlier!"  
"Vacationed? Havik, you're insane," Noob answered to the other.

Pulling his attention back to Valentino, Havik smiled. "You know what, let me make it up to you. I'll go make a new pizza!" As the man stepped back into the kitchen, Val waited - at some point he was pretty sure he heard something _snapping_ back there. Regardless, a few minutes later, another pizza box was placed in the moth pimp's hands by a visibly limping Havik.  
"Finally." Opening the box, Valentino's face immediately curled in disgust. "Fuuuck, what's _this?!_ "  
Havik simply smiled some more. "Bone-in pizza! Specifically, my left leg's bone!"

Without another word, Valentino let the pizza box fall to the floor before finding Velvet and leading her out of the building.  
Can't believe they put bones in their shit.


	4. Off the Nut

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A month after the Spooky Pizza incident, Velvet and Vox pay Valentino a visit to admit some stuff.  
> But turns out, _he's_ the one smoking somethin' right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is easily the shitpost-iest chapter, and considering the previous ones? That's saying something.

"You know, I kinda feel bad about what we've put him through," Velvet admitted as they rode the elevator up to Valentino's penthouse.  
"Hell, we're just lucky he seemed so focused on Noob that he never thought about _us_ having planned it," Vox said with a shrug, looking around at nothing in particular.  
Ever since the Spooky Pizza incident of late December, Valentino has stayed in his penthouse - sure, he stayed in contact, but he only talked to them through calls and texts, not once in person. If they were being honest with themselves, it was sort of worrying, especially for Vox.

"I hope he's alright... he hasn't really met with us in almost a month," Velvet mused, before the _ding_ of the elevator let them know that they had arrived. Stepping out, they looked around and quickly found Valentino's tall frame... sitting on a couch, wearing a onesie and watching the TV. And not even any demon programming, either - this man was tuned into the human news.  
Vox made his way closer, quirking a brow on his screen. "Uh... Val? You-"  
One of Valentino's lower hands extended to do a shushing motion. "Shshshshsh... not right now, man... I'm boutta watch Ye get this presidency!"  
In the time it took the moth to say that, Velvet had joined Vox in their confused staring - before she decided to speak up herself. "Ye? What are you saying?" Sniffing the air, the doll demon caught the tell-tale smell of weed before her eyes spotted the blunt in Valentino's top left hand.

" _Kan_ ye, duh. **Yeezy?** " Both Vox and Velvet cringed a little at how Val suddenly _shouted_ the word out, the sound getting massive amounts of reverb across the penthouse. Considering the pimp's clueless blinking afterwards, even _he_ didn't expect to say it like that.  
Vox shook his head. "Kanye is not the president, Val."  
"Yea', I know he ain't president _yet_. He's boutta get this inauguration!" He sounded so weirdly giddy at the idea, it was almost cute.  
Confused even further, Vox looked to Velvet. "Didn't he watch the election?"  
"Nuh-uh, the only news he gets about the human world are the things printed in gossip magazines. _My_ gossip magazines, to be exact," the doll clarified.

Suddenly, Valentino started cackling while pointing at the screen. "HeheheHAHAHA, holy shit, guys, who let the fuckin' Twinkie here?"  
Looking to where he pointed, his fellow Overlords only saw Joe Biden, and not a Twinkie.  
"C'mon now, quit playin', is Kanye late or somethin'? I know he ain't gonna flake on the most important day a' his life," Valentino giggled out.  
"That's... that's Joe Biden, Val. He's the president," Vox said, visibly and audibly drowning in confusion.  
The moth turned to look at his boyfriend, tilting his head to the side. "Huh? How the fuck did a Twinkie get elected? Wha- what 'bout Ye?"

Velvet laughed to herself, before answering. " _Nobody_ voted for Kanye, Val!"  
"Fuck ya _mean_ , Babydoll? _Everybody_ voted for Kanye!" Standing up, Valentino walked off towards the bathroom, pushing the door open much to the panic and anger of the occupant. "Yo, Jagi!"  
"AAAAH! The fuck do you _want?_ " The buff weasel demon screeched out to his stoned boss.  
Apparently too high to realise why Jagi was upset, Valentino kept talking. "Did ya vote for Kanye?"  
"Yes, now leave me alone!"  
Casually closing the door, the moth went right back to his couch. "Y'see?"  
Vox facepalmed to the best of his ability. "Okay, he got _two_ votes. Fuck did you think was gonna happen?"

Valentino shook his head. "Man, this is some bullshit, this election _gotta_ be rigged."  
Jagi, apparently done with his business, exited the bathroom just in time to contribute to the conversation. "You _need_ to elect a fuckin' _working brain!_ "  
Not even phased by the snark his guy was giving him, Valentino leaned back in his couch and took a hit of the blunt. "Ye boutta be in the studio 40 days... an' 40 nights."  
Sighing and letting himself fall onto the couch as well, Jagi kept bantering. "You've been riding that man for about 40 _weeks_ and 40 _months!_ "  
Velvet looked back and forth between the three men, before smirking. "But he's already got Vox to ride, why would he ride anybody else?"  
" _VELVET, SHUT UP!_ " Vox's screen fuzzed up at the edges, clearly flustered.

After a good round of chuckles, Valentino returned to the subject at hand. "Nah, but y'all _know_ Kanye been top billin' since day one... woulda been Presidency Deluxe."  
Jagi just threw his hands up. "Alright, you guys better figure a way to make him shut up, because I'm about to self-destruct."  
Vox walked a bit closer to Valentino, putting a hand on his shoulder gently. "Hey, do you wanna watch something else, since they're bullshitting so hard?"  
Meanwhile, Velvet went and took the remote, switching it from the television feed to the Voxflix page.  
The pimp brought his top right hand up to his chin, scratching while deep in thought. Then, he figured something out. "Y'all wanna watch Black Panther? That shit went hard," he said with a genuine smile.

Vox looked to Velvet with a smile of his own. "Make it so, then."

\---

All things considered, the four had a good time, even if stoned Valentino had a habit of saying weird shit.  
"Yea', like... I was checkin' the uhh... the weather yesterday an' it was like _'Jupiter reaches peak brightness tonight in the southern eastern sky'_ \- the _fuck_ does that have ta' do wit' _anythin'_ , Weather Channel? That ain't weather, that's _space_ , stay in ya fuckin' lane! Just tell me when it's gonna rain an' shut the fuck up!"  
That caused a fair bit of laughter, but that was nothing compared to the kernel of wisdom he dropped at about the halfway point of the film.  
"No, look, Voxxy, Babydoll, Jag'... I'm tellin' y'all. If I had like Wakanda levels a' tech, I'd make a time machine an' I'd go give Rosa Parks an M1911. That Underground Railroad? Gonna be _mad_ different bro, _trust_." For a second, there was pure silence, before his three compatriots _burst_ into uncontrollable cackling, much to his legitimate confusion. "What?"

Taking a deep breath, Vox fought back digital tears. "Val... that is _so_ off-base, it's incredible you're not off the bench by now."  
Velvet's feet were kicking up towards the ceiling as she rolled on the floor, barely able to form words in her delirium.  
Jagi slapped his knee, but had enough to add onto Vox's phrase. "They were both like... a hundred years apart! How the _fuck_ did you manage to fuck that up so badly?"  
"It'll be aight, timelines'll fix themselves," Valentino said dismissively.

Later on, when Valentino was told by Velvet and Vox that they had been planning all the fuckery with Noob Saibot lately, he didn't even seem to mind! How lucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue coming tomorrow, as is tradition!
> 
> Also, the stuff in the end of the chapter about the Weather Channel and the Underground Railroad was taken/adapted from lines in some TheRussianBadger videos. Check 'em out, them videos are funny.


	5. Pack Ya Bags

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another month passed, and things seem to have gotten _slightly_ more cordial between Val and Noob.  
> But what happens when a third-party annoyance rears its head? The answer might surprise you!

Noob Saibot looked up from his spot behind the counter at the Hell Popeyes (marketing department really sucks here) when the door's bell rang. Of course, three familiar demons walked in - but about a month ago, things had gotten less openly confrontational between the wraith and the Overlords. Something about Vox and Velvet admitting to Valentino that they had been arranging events to facilitate these confrontations in the first place.  
Noob didn't give a shit, of course - he still doesn't like any of them, but then again, that goes for _everyone_.

As he stared at Valentino, the wraith blinked. Then, the moth talked.  
"Damn, ya still workin' here? Shit," he said with a bit of a laugh.  
"It's my first stable job in ages, of course I'm still working here," the fed-up worker muttered.  
"How 'bout ya tell me when ya get a _real_ job, aight?"  
Okay, that got Noob to speak up loud and clear. " _Real_ job?! I _know_ your credit score is buried deeper than any corpse, don't think I forgot."  
"Sure, I got bad credit, but this _cash_ is good," the pimp said with a grin as he pulled out a stack of bills.

Sighing, Noob shrugged. "So, what'll it be?"  
The Three Vs convened for a minute or two, before Valentino spoke up again. "Aight, a chicken biscuit for me, a chicken sandwich for Voxxy, an' some tenders for Babydoll down there," he said while pointing towards Velvet - the latter waving at Noob.  
"Okay, that shouldn't take too long, just go to your seat and we'll call on you when it's ready."  
Not wasting a moment, the Overlords all headed to a table, where they chatted about random things.

\---

"So, Voxxy, ya told me ya used ta' be from Florida, right?"  
Looking up from his hands, Vox blinked before answering. "Yeah, I was. What about it?"  
"Just sayin', ya state's fuckin' dumb as shit." A grin grew on Valentino's face. "Over there you can either buy a 32 ounce, or a 128 ounce. But _not_ a 40. 'Cause apparently ya state was either old people or _FUCKIN' SEND IT_." The Vs started laughing at the unnecessary intensity of the last three words. "You tryna pussy out with a 40 bro? Nah, take this whole 128 to the head big man."  
As the Overlords laughed, the moth's phone began to ring. "Oh shit, lemme get this real quick." Taking it out and accepting the call despite it not being a number he really recognised, Valentino answered. "Yea'?"  
" _Здраво!_ " The voice and the language in which it spoke immediately made the moth sigh.

"Fuck do ya want? An' don't speak ta' me in ya damn incantations or whatever language that shit there was."  
On the other side of the call, riding in the back of a black limousine along with several demons wearing flak jackets, a European badger demon with a rather thick beard and little earrings shook his head before speaking up again. " _Врло добро._ Anyway, Valentino! I'm sure you know exactly why I'm calling you at this moment?" He did have a noticeable Serbian accent, but his grasp of the English language was actually rather strong.  
Val rolled his eyes. "You can _exact_ yaself off my Hellphone."  
"Now now, you know just as well as I do that if we were to collaborate, it'd be a new dawn for _truly_ artistic pornography!" Despite his audible passion and enthusiasm, it clearly didn't impress Valentino.  
"How long ya been down here by now, Vukmir? Ten, 'leven years? Ya really think I even give a _shit_ 'bout workin' wit' you? I've been at this since before ya picked up a camera!"

As this argument unfolded, Vox and Velvet exchanged confused glances.  
Val sighed again, running a hand down his face. "Seriously, the fuck do I have ta' gain from this? I got limited minutes, so make it quick."  
The badger chuckled as his limo kept cruising along. "With your experience and my vision, not to mention the inclusion of our respective shining stars... oh, nobody could hold a candle to us-"  
"I'mma stop ya right there. Much as I like whuppin' Angelcakes every now an' again, I _know_ what kinda shit ya make. An' I can't afford ta' damage my biggest earner right now." Considering his current financial situation, he _really_ can't afford it.  
The other demon sighed. "And truth be told, I've had difficulty finding Miloš down here... if you see a Eurasian lynx demon with a thousand yard stare, could you bring him to me?"

"Oh my _fuck_ , shut ya homeless ass up, will ya? I ain't _ever_ doin' shit for ya, Fuckmir!"  
"It's _Vukmir_ , you-" Suddenly, the badger's men shouted something to him just in time for him to look up and see that next to the limo was a weasel on a motorcycle - who promptly blasted the front of the ride with a round of buckshot from a sawed-off double barrel shotgun, causing a fuel leak. "What the hell?!"  
Before he could start to connect the dots, the assailant opened a lighter and flinged it at the flammable liquid.  
Cackling as he sped off, Jagi didn't even look back when Vukmir's limousine went up in a ball of fire.

\---

As he hung up his phone, Valentino laughed. This'll buy him at _least_ a few days of peace, a few days of not being bothered by that Serbian weirdo.  
"Man, from the sound a' it, I'mma have ta' give Jagi a raise after this, I'm tellin' ya! One tap on that bitch! In the hood, in the _ground_ , _five caskets_ like it's nothin'. Outta here!"  
A few seconds later, the meals were ready, and the three Overlords dug in - Valentino being especially messy in his eating.  
Once their meal was done, and Vox paid for the food, Velvet decided to take a selfie with her two pals - Noob was also in the frame, but he didn't seem to care much for it.  
Then, the door opened, the Three Vs looking over to see a very upset looking badger demon with glass shards stuck in the side of his head and plenty of obvious burn marks all over.

"So. You aren't going to help fund the future?" The angered Serb asked through gritted teeth.  
"Boy, _hell nah_."  
"Okay then. Just so you know, you have two choices: you can either give me some cash, or you can _cash in_ this beating my men will give you." A pause. "Once they finish limping in. The explosion damaged them more than me."  
Valentino had just about enough of this. "Babydoll, pull out ya phone an' get the camera runnin'. Gotta immortalise this fool catchin' this fade."  
While Velvet got her Hellphone out, the moth pimp looked over to Noob Saibot, surprisingly. "Yo, can ya do me a solid? I'll shoot the fucka', an' you'll take it from there, aight?" Even more surprising, the wraith actually _agreed_ with this.

So, with everything sorted, Valentino reached into his coat, pulled out his gold-plated pistol and shot a few rounds into Vukmir's chest just to get him off-balance. While this happened, Noob held up his sickle and divided it into _two_ sickles which he then stuck into two portals that formed next to him.  
In parallel, two other portals appeared next to Vukmir, and out of them came Noob's sickles, digging into his chest. Another two portals then appeared next to his legs, and _another_ two sickles dug into his legs.  
Out of not wanting to make a mess in the Popeyes, Noob dragged Vukmir out of the building using the portal-sickles... but his torment wasn't done, of course.  
Once he was outside, Noob swiftly pulled his arms out of the portals, and Vukmir was torn into four pieces on the side-walk.

Despite how it definitely _should_ kill him almost instantly, he was left alive just long enough to watch the Three Vs dance all over his remains.  
For Vukmir, that'll definitely be an embarrassing thing to explain once he regenerates. And knowing Valentino, he probably won't even market this footage! Damn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And with this, another yarn is done! But this isn't the end for Valentino's misfortunes, no - the next tale will also involve him, but in a less prominent role.
> 
> Quick guide to the Serbian words Vukmir used:  
> "Здраво!" - "Hello!"  
> "Врло добро." - "Very well."


End file.
